infatuation...

never ends up right.
true love does not wait forever.

sooner or later, truth is settled

What's gotten into people? At the entrance of the twenties, are we so confident about ourselves that we are sure we can kick and scream as much as we can with the assurance that the others will still there? Are we so trustful in our own charms that we might risk losing everything - which we should treasure, but we don't, because youth is all about sparkling stuff, sex and nights out - for a handful of nothing? Are we so naïve that we think we can put principles aside and deal with them later, when we get older and supposed to stick to them? Hopping to be forgiven when it becomes convenient? Are we so low in self esteem that we would risk betraying someone who've done almost everything for us, in order to collect the prize - our young and sometimes unloved being cherished by someone else who just came into our lives? Would we play an ambiguous game of strategy and rivalry only to conclude, at the end, that we are capable of winning a battle? Would we paint the toile the way we please in order to, at least, have the approval of those who'll never know the whole plot? Would we lie to others - as to ourselves - about our own guilt, just to be able to still look at our faces in the mirror? It's easier to think that it wasn't our insecurity, but our fake friend, who've put us through shit. It's easier to turn the table against him and say he was jealous or trying to ruin our finally-achieved - yet frivolous - happiness (yes, because the world does revolve around us). It's easier to be offended when someone gives us a good advice, than to admit we should have followed it. A friend who warns you to act right - how inconvenient! It's much more suitable to be friends when someone approves all our moves. It's even easier to say he should have been quiet when he thought you were making a huge mistake - friendship is all about that: compliment and motivate me, and we're best friends 4ever. Say you think I'm acting wrong and there will be hard feelings. You'll be meddlesome - why on Earth would you have to tell me your honest opinion? You are falseness itself. Oh, those boring friends, telling us to be wise when we are just trying to live our lives and be happy no matter what! No matter if our happiness hurts a good friend - the best we had when it comes to support. Oh, those motherfuckers, believing that they are representants of justice! Who cares? Who needs it? Self-convinced people. Arrogants. People with no principles or values, trying to advice me how to live! It must be enviness speaking through them. My good opinion of myself has been hit by a mean friend, but I'll just come up with a nice version of the facts so, at least, those who stand close to me will hate them too. Those bitches, sleeping tight with their light consciences while I revolve myself in bed all night... But then what? If youth is all about sparkling nonsense, life is all about lessons. And, at this point, we might well guess the future - who violates such a sacred vow, like friendship, for something as fleeting as a man's embrace, doesn't need his future read on the cards. It's there, before everyone's eyes, as clear as limpid water - loneliness. With the bittersweet taste of a bad choice on top.

capítulo 20 mil e qualquer coisa

achas que não fugi ao meu eixo para te encontrar? que não me detive no caminho? que os meus dias foram fáceis? virei as costas a quem me deu vida. por estas estradas é só doença, vícios, pobreza e fraqueza de espírito. miséria de alma. achas que me é fácil admitir que, a emergir do meu orgulho, do meu amor próprio, da minha veia feminista, da minha fortaleza de calcário de portas permanentemente trancadas e rodeadas de fossos - estás tu e o meu amor por ti? não me é fácil saber que há uma fraqueza na muralha e que, perante ti, e somente perante ti, seria capaz de me despir de máscaras e protecções e então, nua, estender-me no chão a teus pés, toda eu pura pele e sal, reduzida a nada que não à minha fome de ti. mundo. cá estou, ossos e cabelo, no frio da noite e das lajes, a pedir-te que me ames também. que te dispas também. que me recebas também. amor maior que a vida... dignidade? sei lá eu se tenho dignidade, quando tudo o que quero é beijar-te os pés. as sufragistas que me oiçam, e eu que sou livre de viver no séc. XXI e de adorar o deus que quiser. para mim o exemplo és tu. lá em cima, grandioso, estás tu. e eu espero que os meus braços sejam capazes de abraçar-te, na tua extensão infinita, e o meu peito de aquecer-te, meu amor de inverno. só por uma vez, quando tas disser ao ouvido, devolve-mas nos teus lábios. devolve-mas para que a minha queda seja ascenção e para que as minhas lágrimas sejam felicidade. amor, eternidade.