denouement

as a final act, a final chapter, an epilogue; I'd like to understand. but I have this suspiction that there will never be a satisfying answer to this quest of mine. everything seemed wrong. wrong people, wrong feelings, wrong words. I wish I could go back and respect myself more. I wish I was still on time to promise a silent love, a silent respect, to a man that meant so much... now it's all gone. I feel ridiculous when I think of love. It's like believing in a ghost... I had the most precious of feelings inside me, such a Pandora box, throwing curses at everyone around, consuming me like acid... but at times it glittered like diamonds in the darkest, deepest, sky. and he was there; he was going to be there for an entire lifetime. now how will I explain the world that I didn't give up on a noble pursuit? the noble pursuit turned his back on me. the noble pursuit isn't that noble anymore. one of us was deadly blind... probably, surely me. seeing value in each action of his, seeing kindness and fairness in someone else. it meant the world for me... to experience the comfort of such a good existing soul. nothing's good anymore, he supported the columns of our ruins and, when he left, the temple fell. it's nothing but dirt and clouds. I'm the spirit that only lived to blow through his muscles and bones, to walk side by side with his strengh, to support the temple and the world with our mutual strengh. flesh and bone... and he let it go.

but deep inside I think I know what happened. deep inside I'm pretty sure you had no substance, no idea of where your steps would take you. no idea of the thin line between what you needed and what you wanted. no retrospective sense of sight, no glimpse of your future. you just sat and dreamed, how easy it must've been...

and here I lay, with the echoes of a personal drama. the echoes of a personal chaos. the echoes of a personal calamity. the echoes of a personal tragedy to overcome; as I did with all the others.

why will I have to carry this doubts to my grave?
how could someone be so blind about itself?
how could someone fool others so well?
how could you play me that way?
how could you sleep tight after tearing me apart?
how could you keep stepping and digging on me even after my departure?
how could you become nothing, how could you dare becoming nothing, when I had so good expectations on you?
how could you let yourself slide to less than zero to me?
where did your essence go? I have this slight memory of your smile... is it gone for good?
how did you lose your sparke? did you ever had it or did I just imagined it?
how could you change until you made me be ashamed of ever loving you?

I need a proper denouement for my personal novel.

the knot broke and I don't even see the rope anymore.

where did it all go?

We are now part of an extint civilization. So promissing and yet, what a waste... we failed, we fell.